This was a really good read. It resonates with me. I wonder why we, the parents, feel so "responsible" for the future of our children. We've been conditioned to feel "guilty" by not providing our children a competitive edge in the pursuit of success and happiness. As I read and reflect upon this ......
Could it be possible I felt short changed by my parents and circumstances in life? Could it be possible I need to own up to my own life and let go of certain negative feelings? Could this really be about FORGIVENESS and HEALING of the past?
I wonder .........
The following are excerpts of the book, echoing in my heart
"It says a lot about our priorities that many parents today put more energy into teaching children how to serve a tennis ball than how to serve humanity. They work harder at making sure children are skilled at public speaking than at teaching them to communicate openly and honestly with one another. Should our goal be preparing our kids to get into the college of their choice or to live the life of their choice?
In the end though, what makes a life meaningful grows out of the ability to build a productive and satisfying life, to have friends you feel close to, to forge a marriage and life with someone you cherish. It emerges from doing work that is meaningful to you and creating a family that you love and loves you back, even when things aren't going that well.
How will they (our children) learn that in relationships, the best path often takes time, patience, reflection, and holding your tongue until your anger dissipates, so you can see more clearly what you think and feel, what you should do to preserve a relationship that is really precious to you?
Children were expected to fit into their (parents') lives; they never expected to build their lives around their kids.
We all need to learn to accept the limits of what we can control. It is the only avenue to serenity.
We do not need to produce a perfect life for our children. The ability to defer gratification, at whatever developmental level is appropriate, is a sign of maturity. One of the greatest gifts we parents can give our children is the inner conviction that adversity can be survived and overcome. If we stand by their side, supporting them through the tough times, letting them know that we believe in our hearts that they can do it, they will often surprise us with what they can accomplish. Then the triumph becomes theirs, not ours. Perfectionism, in the guise of the promise that you, too, can have a perfect life, has a deceptively appealing face - and we buy into it as eagerly in our parenting practices as we do when we slather on our anti-aging face creams every morning. The marketers sell a single, shiny vision of American life: easy, happy, clean, convenient and above all, comfortable.
In virtually every aspect of contemporary American life, including parenting, happiness gets measured materially. We've allowed ourselves to become convinced that the right possessions will make us safe and happy. Whether we have the means to support it or not, we all feel entitled to live - and raise our families - in an affluent lifestyle. Just like our cars and computers, we want our children, indeed our entire lives to be shiny, new and state-of the-art. Living above our means and planning to earn enough in the future to afford the excess shapes our parenting. That holds true even if we are financially quite comfortable. As we search for fulfillment in possessions, homes, and ever-larger incomes, we are ignoring life's most precious and only irreplaceable commodity, time. Wanting happiness, always and everywhere, aspiring to see ourselves as good, benevolent parents, we commit our time, energy, and even a good portion of our identity to giving our children a luxurious ride through their already materially privileged lives.
Instead of trusting our instincts and accepting the obvious (that interactions between people will always be messy and at least occasionally frustrating), we look to books, TV, magazines, and the Internet for the quick, complete fix. They (the media and "experts") gives us a scripted vision of harmony that transcends friction - and usually a happy ending.
We need to learn to
trust who we really are, to enjoy the experience more by restoring our faith in our own loving instincts.
relax, to tune in to our intuition, to know our children and ourselves better.
contend with the fears we may feel that we might be destructive to our children.
wrestle with aspects of ourselves that we don't like.
accept some sadness about our disappointments in our own parents
and face the fact that we too will be less than perfect.
strike a balance between wholehearted involvement and standing back.
guide them, but also to give them room to make their lives their own, so they can stand on their own.
To grow into mentally healthy and happy adults, children need to learn, in the safe environment of a loving home, that reasonable amounts of pain and unhappiness can be endured. Pain should never be sought; inevitably it finds a way to us on its own horsepower. But children benefit by learning that good things can evolve from even the worst of experiences, not to mention the not-so-bad ones, like forgetting your homework.
We don't need to manufacture misery for our children; life will provide plenty. Nor do we need to shield them from every bit of it. First, it is impossible. Second, they're stronger than we think. We need to remember whose life it is after all and to let our children have the freedom they need to live their own and to learn from it.
To succeed, children need values, ethics, and a goal to shoot for; a vision of what we consider to be a good person, and the ambition to make something out of their lives, whatever they decide that something ought to be. They do not meed just a record that would look great on a college application.
Success is a drug in America, and many of us are hooked."
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